


I can't lose you

by pinkamour1588



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Choose Your Own Ending, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Death, Drugs, Fear, Fear of Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Jokes, Kissing, M/M, Romance, Showers, Sleep, Teasing, Wedding Rings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 08:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13244859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkamour1588/pseuds/pinkamour1588
Summary: When a diplomatic mission goes wrong, Leonard's reminded of his greatest fear.





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Ways this fic can be read (After reading chapter 1 of course)
> 
> 1\. You can just proceed to Chapter 2 for a nice fluffy ending.
> 
> 2\. You can proceed to Chapter 3 for a nice angsty ending.
> 
> 3\. You can proceed to read Chapter 2 and then Chapter 3.

Leonard stood watching the transporter pad. The mission was only supposed to take a few hours. It was supposed to be a peaceful, diplomatic mission with a species who wished to join the Federation.

It wasn’t supposed have ransom messages for a week. It wasn’t supposed to involve Leonard sleeping alone. It wasn’t supposed to end with a badly injured captain being beamed aboard without the two crew members who had accompanied him. The mission wasn’t supposed to leave Leonard frozen in place as Jim was put on a stretcher and taken to medbay.

“Doctor McCoy, you may return to your post now,” Spock said before walking off to return to the bridge.

“Ye alright?” Scotty asked.

“I’m fine,” Leonard nodded turning and walking out of the transporter room. He returned to his office, not remembering the walk back at all. Sinking down into his chair, he rested his elbows on the desk and his head in his hands.

_Jim was fine. M’Benga knows what he’s doing so Jim will be fine. The nurses know what they are doing so Jim will be fine. Jim is resilient, so he’ll be fine. Jim was always fine._

_Except when…_

Leonard pushed the thought aside. This was different. Jim wasn’t going to die.

A knock on the door startled Leonard from his thoughts an hour later. He fumbled with the control panel until he found the button to open the door. As soon as the door slid open, Christine walked in.

“You can come see him now, if you like,” she said.

He nodded as he stood and followed her to one of the rooms. At the sight of Jim’s almost unnaturally blue eyes, Leonard let out a sigh of relief.

“Bones!” Jim smiled dopily.

“He’s had a lot of painkillers,” M’Benga said as Leonard walked over to Jim.

“They’re really good,” Jim grinned and Leonard couldn’t help but give him a small smile.

Leonard turned around and looked at M’Benga. “I’m placing you in charge of Alpha shift until I say otherwise. Obviously, if there is an emergency that requires my attention, let me know. I trust you to use your discretion.”

“Yes, sir. And his chart is on the PADD if you would like to look it over,” M’Benga answered.

“Thank you. Is that all?”

M’Benga nodded, then stepped out of the room along with Christine, leaving Jim and Leonard alone.

Leonard waited a few moments after the door closed before looking at Jim again, who was still grinning stupidly.

“I’m ok, Bones. No need to have a-a…” Jim scrunched up his nose as he tried to think of the right word.

“An aneurism? A heart attack? A stroke?”

“Yeah, one of those.”

Leonard pulled a chair as close as he could to the bed and sat down. He reached over and pushed Jim’s hair, which was wet from having the dirt rinsed out of it, off his forehead and rubbing his scruffy cheek.

“Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones…” Jim said excitedly a few minutes later.

“Yes?” Leonard smiled.

Jim paused, then frowned. “I forgot.”

“Painkillers can do that to ya.”

After a few minutes, as the painkillers Jim had been given started to make him drowsy, Leonard looked the rest of Jim over slowly, resting his hand on Jim’s forearm. He did a double take at the sight of Jim’s left hand. Jim followed his gaze.

“I think they took it. Had never seen something like that before,” Jim said, then looked over at Leonard. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Leonard stared at him shocked.

Jim reached over and grabbed Leonard’s left hand, trailing his thumb over the platinum wedding band on Leonard’s finger. “I lost mine.”

Leonard sighed and intertwined their fingers. “You didn’t lose it. It was taken. And it’s just a ring. We can replace it at the next starbase.”

“It’s not just a ring. It’s my wedding ring.”

“Jim, listen to me, ok?”

Jim nodded slowly, and Leonard was pretty sure they were going to have to have this conversation again based on Jim’s current state.

“I don’t give a damn about that ring,” Leonard began.

Jim frowned, looking a little nervous.

“Hear me out, though. I couldn’t care less about that ring. The ring is just an object. What I care about is the promise that came with that ring. And that is something you can’t lose. So, we can replace the ring at the next starbase and that will be that, alright?”

“Alright,” Jim nodded, blinking slowly.

“Get some sleep.”

“Alright,” Jim repeated closing his eyes.

***

No one commented when Leonard emerged from the room around eight that night and returned with a change of clothes and food. Christine didn’t say a word to Leonard the next day about when she checked on Jim and found Leonard asleep bent over in the chair next to the bed with his head resting on the mattress or how Jim was absent mindedly carding his fingers through Leonard’s hair as the doctor slept. She simply let Jim know to inform her or someone else when Leonard woke up so he could be brought breakfast.

After two nights in medbay, Jim was released back to his quarters on the third evening and ordered to stay on bedrest there. But the bedrest had to wait a little while since as soon as they got back to their quarters, Leonard promptly got Jim into the shower.

“Bones, I know you say I’m basically always in the mood for sex, but I’m really not right now,” Jim said as Leonard started undressing.

“I’m not either.” Leonard kicked his pants and underwear off leaving before he stepped into the shower.

“You know, I am capable of showering on my own.”

Leonard hesitated. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t pass out under the hot water or something. I can just sit outside.” He began to step out of the shower, but Jim grabbed his hand, stopping him.

“It’s fine. I like you here sometimes.” Jim smiled.

Leonard moved closer and pulled Jim close, pressing his lips to Jim’s for a few moments. “Just get washed up, and then we can go to bed.”

“It’s too early for bed,” Jim frowned as he soaped up his body.

“I said nothing about sleeping or sex.”

Jim looked at him curiously, but didn’t ask anything more.

Once Jim had washed as much of the dirt and medbay smell off him, with some help from Leonard when it came to washing his back and getting all the shampoo out of his hair after his arms got too sore, then dried off and each pulled on a clean pair of underwear. Despite Jim saying it was too early for bed, he was already starting to fade when Leonard joined him in bed after getting a holofilm set up. Out of instinct, Jim wormed his way into Leonard’s arms as soon as the doctor was settled.

“I missed you,” Leonard said as he wrapped his arm around Jim tightly.

“Missed you too,” Jim nodded. “At least, I think deep down I did. I was scared. Did a good job at not showing it to them though.”

“Of course you were scared, and you did a great job at not showing it from what I saw and from what I was told.”

“You were scared.”

“Yeah, I was.”

“What were you scared of?”

“You not coming back, or you coming back but…” Leonard couldn’t manage to say the last word.

“Dead,” Jim filled in.

“Yeah. Didn’t want till death do us part to come so soon.”

“I’ll do my best to not let it.” Jim tilted his head to look up at Leonard and smiled.

“You better.” Leonard tighten his hold on Jim a little and kissed his forehead.


	2. Fluffy/Happy Ending

Three weeks later

The plan to replace Jim’s wedding band had to be scrapped when he got caught up in meeting after meeting while on the starbase. A few days after they had set back out to continue their five-year mission, Jim was walking down the hallway to his ready room, rubbing his empty left ring finger absentmindedly with his thumb. He sat down at his desk with a sigh and reached for his PADD when a piece of paper caught his eye.

_Jim,_

_I know I said that the ring doesn’t matter to me, but I know how upset you were about not having it. And then you weren’t able to go ring shopping on the last starbase._

And the note ended there. Jim furrowed his eyebrows, but sighed, set the note aside, and picked up his PADD.

~

When he got back to his quarters that evening, he found Leonard sitting on the couch with a tumbler of whiskey and reading. At the sound of Jim walking in, he looked up and smiled.

“Hey,” Leonard grinned, setting his pad and tumbler on the coffee table and walking over to Jim. He pulled the blonde into a kiss that lasted longer than the usual kiss exchanged when one of them got home. When he pulled away from the kiss, he continued to hold Jim close, pressing the random kiss to Jim’s cheeks, nose, forehead, and jaw.

“Bones, if you’re trying to seduce me or something, I’m too tired.”

Leonard pulled just far enough back to look Jim in the eye. “Did you get my note?”

“The one you didn’t finish?”

“That’s the one.”

Jim looked at him confused, and the confusion just increased as Leonard stepped back and took Jim’s left hand. Leonard fished something out of his pocket before sliding the ring onto Jim’s finger.

“Here’s to forever,” Leonard smiled.

Jim pulled Leonard close and kissed him. “I like the sound of forever,” he murmured against Leonard’s lips.

“I'd certainly hope so. You vowed it a year ago,” Leonard answered as they parted.

“Bones, I was thinking forever for years before that. I only officially vowed it last year.” Jim walked off into the bedroom and changing out of his uniform.

“Oh, by the way, perhaps you could not wear that ring on away missions.”

“Why’s that?” Jim stood in the doorway to the bedroom in his underwear, a pair of sweatpants in one hand.

“Because as much as it’s only a symbol of the vow, I’d rather not have to go through the ordeal of buying another ring. Now put your pants on.”

“Fine.” Jim stuck his tongue out for a moment before pulling the sweatpants on.

Leonard just rolled his eyes and sat back down on the couch. “I’m married to a man child,” he muttered.

“And you love it,” Jim grinned when he returned from the bedroom where he pulled on a t-shirt. He sat down on the opposite side of the couch with his PADD and put his feet on Leonard’s lap.

“I tolerate the ‘man child’ part of it.” Leonard pushed Jim feet off his lap.

“Then I’ll rephrase, you love a man child.” Jim put his feet back on Leonard’s lap.

“Dear lord, I do.”

“And I love a grumpy old man.”

“Excuse me?”

Jim leaned forward. “I said I love a grumpy old man.”

“I heard you the first time. And who’re you callin’ old?”

“You.”

“Keep calling me old and you’ll regret it. I’ll remove everything you love from your replicator account.”

“Meany.” Jim stuck his tongue out and pretended to pout.

“And we’re back to man child.”

Jim laughed as he pulled up the book he was reading on his tablet.

~

As always, Leonard was the first to go to bed and fall asleep. When Jim got into bed, he leaned up on one elbow and watched Leonard’s steady breathing. He moved closer, curling his body around the doctor’s and kissed his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around Leonard’s waist. He intertwined their fingers, letting out a small sigh as he fell asleep.


	3. Angsty Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Character Death

The incessant beeping of his alarm clock pulled Leonard from his dream. He rolled over and felt around for the clock on his nightstand before shutting the alarm off. He turned onto his back with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling as he felt himself go numb. One day. One day maybe he’d wake up and it all wouldn’t be a dream. It wouldn’t be a lie. The warp core malfunction didn’t happen. No one had to go in to fix it.

He knew better though.

Leonard looked over at the other side of the bed and the only thing he felt was the empty ache in his chest. The pillow didn’t smell like him anymore. He looked over at the floor next to the bed to see Joanna curled up under her comforter. She must’ve come in at some point in the night like she seemed to do every night.

He carefully got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. Half the counter was still littered with hair styling products, cologne, and deodorant, none of which belonged to Leonard. And none of which he could bring himself to throw away.

Walking out of the bathroom, he saw Joanna was still fast asleep on the floor. He dug through his dresser until he found a t-shirt and got a pair of jeans out of the closet. Glancing quickly over at Joanna, he changed out of his pajama pants and into the jeans, then pulled on the t-shirt.

He went through the motions of making coffee and eating breakfast. As he sat at the kitchen table trying to decide on details Starfleet had sent him, he ended up just staring blankly at the screen of his PADD.

“Daddy,” Joanna said from the doorway, rubbing her eyes.

“Hey, Jo.” Leonard turned his body so he was facing her and forced a smile as he shut down his PADD. “Do you want pancakes?”

Joanna shook her head as she walked over to Leonard, coming to a stop in front of him, her lower lip trembling. He didn’t hesitate for a second before pulling her closer so she was standing between his legs and holding her as tight as he dared. She wrapped her arms around him, gripping his shirt and hiding her face in his shoulder.

“I miss him, Daddy,” she whimpered as he felt his shirt starting to get wet.

“I know, sweetheart. I know,” he whispered against the top of her head, “I miss him too.”

They stayed like that for a long time until Joanna pulled back still sniffling. Leonard wiped away the tear running down her cheek.

“Can we watch movies today?” Joanna asked wiping her nose on the napkin Leonard handed her.

He opened his mouth to say no. To say that he had things he had to do. To say he had to sort through Jim’s things. To say he couldn't watch movies with her all day because he had to at least resemble a functioning adult. But he couldn’t. “Yeah, do you want to get the living room set up and pick what you want to watch?”

She nodded.

“I’ll be there soon. What kind of cereal do you want?”

“Usual.”

Leonard nodded and gave her a forced smile.

~

Three hours later he found himself sitting on the couch with a pillow on his lap and Joanna resting her head on the pillow.

“Daddy.” Joanna turned her head to look up at him.

“Hm?” He looked down at her and pushed her dark hair out of her eyes.

“Can we visit him tomorrow? Or today? I know I asked for a movie day but...”

Leonard’s chest ached. “Yeah, how about after this movie we get dressed and we can go visit him. That sound good?”

She nodded and settled back in to watch the movie.

~

An hour and a half later, Leonard followed after Joanna as she walked ahead of him before plopping down on the dirt in front of a headstone. He stood back as she chatted away about school and movies and comic books. Eventually she looked over at Leonard and he gave her an encouraging smile.

“Your turn,” she said as she gestured him over.

Leonard walked over and sat next to her. “I miss you, Jim,” he whispered fiddling with the tungsten band that was on a chain in his jacket pocket. The ring that should’ve been on Jim’s finger before he lost his captainship. Before Kahn. Before Jim lost the one decent father figure he’d ever had. Before any of it. _I loved you. No. I love you. I will always love you._ And Leonard squeezed his eyes shut again, fighting back tears and wishing it was all a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://pinkamour1588.tumblr.com)
> 
> (or you can "yell" at me on there for the last chapter of this on there)


End file.
